People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
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[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
I have a new favorite meme page
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!