when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
You Might Also Like
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
me opening up to someone
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken