wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
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I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom