Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
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My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Cause of death: Zumba
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.