I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
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Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!