i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
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Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.