Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
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If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.