Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
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Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.