the red hot silly peppers
You Might Also Like
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.