At my grandmaβs house and just accidentally let out a βyall stop running in and outβ omg itβs over ππππππππππ
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Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: youβre out of sugar water
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
β« Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… β«
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through π
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
when you order from DoorDastardly
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
This Halloween Iβm going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasnβt even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.