I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
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Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
wow
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
courtroom exchange of the day
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.