me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
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There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Woke up against my better judgement again
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…