*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
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sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?