Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
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Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Guy who likes music
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Worth remembering.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
“i am a sweet baby”
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life