Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
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If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.