when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
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imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Come back with a warrant
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Always.
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*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?