Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
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In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
titanic
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.