Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
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Kids: Stay in school.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.