When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
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Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.