I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
You Might Also Like
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Don’t tell me what to do
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air