Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
You Might Also Like
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night