My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
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My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.