Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
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Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
boat question
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Something Saturday.