6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
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they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
awkward
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.