To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
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Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.