old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
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I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review