My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
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The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
me and the Superbowl rn
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.