rise and shine we got egg
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“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
motivation
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.