I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
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I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.