*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
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Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Weirdos gonna weird.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.