My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
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My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang