Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
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me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience