Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
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You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what