accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
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“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Have a lovely day 😊
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work