“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
You Might Also Like
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter