My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
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“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
What an awful time to have common sense.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.