Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
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Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
This was the best day of my life
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!