Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
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My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition