I drew y’all a little something.
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quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Genius idea!!
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing