I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
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I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.