Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
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My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.