I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
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Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.