God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
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I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
yeet
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.