wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
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You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”