[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
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My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?