‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
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The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard