Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
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My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
CRYING
🙂🐾
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Jurassic park gets weird
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl