3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
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cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
i think my razor is having a panic attack
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom