Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
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Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.