*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
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THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.